WebSlam VII – Round 1

Poems

Hip-Hop
Jonathan Casado — Robert F. Kennedy Charter School
jpslugger777@aol.com

It’s every breath that I take/
It’s the constant taste of death on my lips/
It seems to come from every sip that I take/
It’s when I hold my mic/
Cause it feels like the only thing to pursue my life/
It’s when I have to open my eyes and take a whiff of the air/
Cause there’s no other smell that compares/
Like fresh hatch chili hanging in the air/
It’s the hip-hop that propels my life through the never ending sandbox/
Kids, please don’t be afraid to walk through our ‘dangerous’ blocks/
Fill your lungs with sweet air and lose the taste of death/
Hip-hop is in my blood/
It’s in my every breath/


Reviewer:	Michael Pettit, mpettit@alumni.princeton.edu
Rating:	7.5
Review:	Hip-Hop wants to use sensory images to evoke the feeling the speaker has about his life and how hip-hop can express or maybe transform that life. This is done best in the line “like fresh hatch chili hanging in the air” because the sensory image is detailed and specific. Most of the images before that are general or abstract, like “the constant taste of death on my lips” or “every sip that I take.” More specific images draw your readers deeper into the experience you want to share, and would make your plea at the end of the poem more effective. A good start that revision will make stronger.

Posted: Oct/31/2004 11:27 am


Reviewer:	Kim Perrier, kimmi19@mindspring.com
Rating:	7.8
Review:	Convey the sense of your passion-tell us more: “fill your lungs with sweet air and loose the taste of death”. Nicely done, could be a little more in depth-perhaps and examination of different senses. How does it feel to hold the mic?

Posted: Oct/31/2004 11:10 pm

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